Don't judge a book by its cover, right? Wrong! I judge books by their covers ALL the time. If a book has a shirtless guy on the front, I'll shy away from it—sorry, romance authors. If a book is titled Ten Secrets About Women Told By My Vagina, I'll definitely pick it up, take it to a dark corner of the bookstore, snap a picture of the cover with my phone so I can share it with everyone on Twitter, and maybe even read a chapter. . .but I'll never buy it.
The cover art and the title are important!
I've compiled a list of twenty-four books to prove my point—I've even placed them in categories for you. I hope you enjoy!
The first category is Sexual Innuendos. I understand we live in a time when pretty much any word can be twisted to mean something perverted, but a couple of these authors (or publishers) should've known better.
|Dick and discharge should NEVER be used in the same sentence...|
unless speaking to a healthcare professional.
|Unfortunately, this book is about quilting, not a 60-year-old|
stripper named Eleanor Burns.
|Yeah, I'm not gonna go there.|
|I have an image in my mind, right now, of a pocket book |
bursting with disembodied penises.
|This book could actually be about Nell scoring. |
She looks pretty provocative lounging in that tree.
Now that we've addressed boners and stripping, let's move on to the Poop And Fart category–it's only going to get worse, people.
|This book is about how they disposed of poop in the Middle Ages. Apparently, a topic that's so complex it takes over a hundred pages to explain.|
|I'm envisioning the toilet on the cover talking—|
like the lid opening and closing as it speaks.
Is that weird?
|What's in that cookie dough anyway?|
Through my intense, intellectually stimulating research, I discovered that a lot of books have the word lesbian in their title, which brings me to the next category: Gay Books.
I'm not just saying this, but I think Mona looks better with short hair. And I swear she's K.D. Lang's great great great great grandmother.
|I had a lesbian gym teacher named Ms. Rice. |
She didn't school me in desire, though.
But she did teach me the correct form for a push up.
|Wait. Is "Fred Haley" Michele Bachmann's husband's pen name?|
Who wants to read some erotic fiction? How about Erotic Sci-Fi? Bow chicka wow wow...
|I don't think that's a loin cloth he's wearing; |
it's a tiny alien hugging his waist—look, it has eyes.
And are those her nipples or laser guns?
|Okay, you sci-fi people are freaks!|
Enough of that creepy nonsense. How about we move on to Religion—I don't want to hear any complaining from you atheists!
|I think Tom Cruise is Star Wars Jesus but don't quote me on that.|
|She's intimidating me with her glare. Ms. Strong-Anderson,|
I promise to NEVER use birth control, if you promise to STOP looking at me!
Ms. Strong-Anderson would definitely object to this next book in the Medical category.
|I wonder what Victor T. Cheney sees as an advantage to Castration. The disadvantages are pretty obvious.|
|I don't know. It's late, and I'm tired. |
The title is Foreskin's Lament; it's funny.
|The pictures on the cover were taken via someone's butt hole. |
I call this next category Books For Douche Bags. You'll understand why when you see the covers.
|The white man is explaining to a woman, a Hispanic, an Asian, |
and an African American how to be Awesome.
|I don't find this situation in any way erotic. |
He's a stewardess AND he has a mustache.
|Hey! I saw this guy at Walmart on Black Friday.|
The final book doesn't belong in any of the above categories. It's miscellaneous, I suppose. The title isn't funny without the cover.
|I think my mom wrote a similar book about her three cats|
after she and my dad got divorced.